Last summer, with Jai-La Aponte, I taught a few workshops about non-monogamous skills for all relationship styles, built around the idea that non-monogamy teaches you certain skills that are helpful and good to have regardless of your relationship structure.

This is mostly because non-monogamy doesn’t come with a cultural script like monogamy does. Instead of knowing exactly what the next step in a relationship is, you have to ask yourself questions about what you actually want. You have to have conversations with the people you’re in relationship with about it.

I think that monogamous people “should” (“should” is a loaded word that I’m not really that interested in putting on anyone, so if you disagree ignore me) go through a similar process of asking themselves questions about their relational structures and preferences, too. Even if you end up exactly back where you started, wanting the exact same things, going through a process of questioning means that monogamy becomes an actual choice, rather than a given.

Lots of people feel fear about this. They feel like this process could open the door to relationship styles they don’t want, or for their partner to run rampant through the haunted hallways of Hinge. Having actual conversations about relationship structure options might feel like opening a Pandora’s box and setting loose a bacchanalia of cheating and sluttiness that runs your relationship off the rails. But while I’m all for bacchanalian roller-coasters, I don’t think having these conversations has to involve opening any doors you don’t want to. I think it can be an opportunity to explore why a certain relationship structure makes sense and has value to you.

If you’re monogamous, why does this structure resonate with you? What do you value or cherish about certain kinds of long-term exclusivity or fidelity? Do you want to raise children, and feel like this is the best way? (it’s also good to know that while this is the most socially supported way to raise children, it’s not the only way). Diving deep into discovering what your values really are and how relational structures can help you express them is, imo, extremely rewarding and fun. It makes me feel like I’ve chosen my life, rather than it being chosen for me.

One gift that non-monogamously/non-traditionally relating has given me is a deep sense of calm that comes from knowing that the connections in my life have been consciously chosen, agreed upon, and co-created. If I or someone else wants to change things, that’s always an option. It makes me feel extra chosen, because I know that people have walked into it with clear eyes.

Another gift of taking the time to think deeply about relational structure is coming to understand:

There is no wrong way to want to be in relationship.

There are ways that might be incompatible with someone else, there are ways of communicating these wants that may be unhelpful, there are behaviors that may emerge from these structures that aren’t loving. But there is no wrong.

Wanting to fully merge your life with another person is just as “good” as wanting to live alone and never combine lives or finances. Not being very interested in romantic partnership is just as “good” as loving the journey of falling in love. Wanting to raise kids with your friends is just as “good” as wanting to raise kids with a single partner.

From this mindset, partnership becomes more focused on curiosity about your values, your partner(s)’ values, and if or how you can create a structure that holds and supports both your values. Partnership becomes about creating a shared space to live out your values. Structure creates room for the growth and flourishing of a values-based life and love.

In the future, we will likely be talking more about how to go through this process of questioning and values exploration.

Thanks for joining me!